Mumbled Mess

The sunshine’s another day through the remaining grey clouds from the storm the night before. So fitting is the mood for the day. Descriptions through words could not do justice to the feelings of the heart. The absence of what once was will never be filled. We give pieces of us to everyone we love not expecting to ever feel such a loss when they choose to leave. Caring is painful. Take a moment to reflect on different people that you have loved and the pain that was involved. Can you thing of a situation when there was no pain in loving. Even a parent feels the pain when their child grows to no longer depend on them. OF course we will always need our parents but the feeling of loss for them is still great. Think of that loved one that passed without a goodbye. Think of a friend that drifted apart. Think of an ex-boyfriend/husband or ex-girlfriend/wife. Do you get the point?? Please challenge this rational line of thinking. Keep in mind everything referred to are relationships of the Human kind not the spiritual kind. IF you are a believer in anything spiritual this is not that debate. Caring or Love is painful. So why do we love one another if we are aware that with this feeling and responsibility comes pain. We do so because caring is what makes us feel alive. Love is a reminder of mortality. Through the ages we have longed as a species to be remembered. If you live what is the point without leaving an impression on those you meet. Loving is the impression some of us choose to leave. So to all those reading I Love You. I may not agree with the choices you make in life. I may not have handled situations between us the corrected way but I promise every action was a reaction. I am humbled by the silence that many have elected to show me in life. For those that have made the choice to keep me in check in life I would like to say thank you. Remember me for being the person that would give the shirt off his back and his last dollar if it meant making sure someone he cared about could benefit from that shirt or that dollar. I am not flawed in caring I am flawed by caring about others more then myself. Choices I make in life seem selfish at times but when you look at the bigger picture and from my perspective I have always made the choice to help those that needed help. I have neglected many people in my life but most of all I have neglected my own self. So non specific is this post and so cryptic it would seem but please as a reader don’t overthink. I am unable to actually see who reads my post so please do me a favor and don’t ask me what this post is about or if this post is about you. If you feel like this post relates to you at all it probably does and if you read and think what a nut job he is then you didn’t get it and that is okay. Below are a few of my favorite quotes so enjoy and thank you for reading.

It’s never about being good enough for someone. That’s not your choice to make they made that for you when they choose you. Don’t strive to be good enough, strive to be the best you that you can be…

Never lose yourself while trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t care about losing you…

I’m always going to love you, and I’m going to hate me for not being enough…

The more you love, the more you suffer…

The greatest gift one can give is their love. That love picks you up when your down. That love that protects you. That love shows no limitations. That love that nobody really deserves. Not that what have you done lately. Not that I am passing through again love. Not that temporary love….

Beware of destination addiction: The idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job or even the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are…

If you’re allowing it then don’t complain about it. You deserve exactly what you settle for…

 

 

 

TODAY

This day will suck…

This day will suck because…

There are really no words to describe why this day will suck…

This day will suck for me…

This day will only suck for me…

To think…

To think I had a chance…

To THINK that is the truth…

It’s so much easier to tell the truth

Mountain From a MoleHill

Hey everyone reading and thank you for taking the time out of your life to read some words from this Human.

The title should be familiar to many and if not I will explain. My grandmother always told me growing up to stop making a mountain from a molehill. It basically means making too much of minor issues. So in my life its turning all the little things into a bigger issue causing a mountain and driving people away at times or at least making it hard to deal with me. To give you insight I am going to talk about a flaw of mine and try explain my thought process and more then likely get lost in the middle of hundreds of words.  Get ready for a ride on the Chris Brain Train.

So I make mountains out of the little things. I always have. I look at life as a puzzle and I feel like all things are connected. I overthink. Raise your hand if you do the same. It builds and builds driving those close to me crazy. The thing is in my mind all issues no matter how small are connected. I can turn a simple comment made into a debate on judgment. It’s really ridiculous. So for all those ready that know me I sincerely apologize for how I may react to little issues and turn them to something they should have never turned into. But…….

Even the smallest issues matter. Take a second and ponder that. Think of it like this, your mother or father had a issue with something you did as a child and their reaction was to address the issue and correct the behaviour. Was this right or wrong? Depends on the issue and how you were raised but either way we have been groomed from a young age to address even the smallest of issues whether others agree or not on our view point. Let me guess you think at this point I am trying to get out of behaviour that I have…you’re wrong. See I believe the best way to explain things is through my thought process. Flawed maybe but you can begin to understand my point from my perspective. In a friendship there are many quirks that drive you crazy about your friends. So small issues you may have are excess talking, opinions, nervous ticks and maybe failed fashion. As friends we see fit to address those issue in an attempt to help our friends. But are we helping? In a relationship you address small issues that make you insecure instead of trusting you build a complex overthought out puzzle. You create a mountain that really just builds a wall. But none the less I still feel that even the smallest issues no matter the type of relationship should be addressed. ADDRESSED no corrected. See correction is a word that places a fault or wrong. We are all different and my issues are not the same issues you may have. Address don not attempt to correct.

I have been told that my opinions (advise) that I have given in the past was too strong. I made the other person feel like no matter what they said I was pushing my opinions as if they were the gold standard. I am sorry. See I have been through a great deal in life. I was molested when I was young. I experimented with sex very early on. I had a drug problem. I had a gambling problem. I have truly seen more then most people would realize and experienced things no one should have too. So when I give advise or my opinion I promise it comes from a good place. It really comes from the heart. I apologize to all that I have offended or who have felt I was pushing my ideals. If you are readying this and know me please know that I have only ever wanted the best for each and everyone one of you. We all have to live and learn through our choices and please take my advise and opinions for what they are, my advise and opinions.

The take away..

I make mountains out of molehills and I push my opinion on others. This is a correct assumption of  who I might be seen as but let me quickly express my view.

I take small issues and try to understand the thought process to a point it pisses people off because i can make it make sense. I give my opinion out of care and concern so people do not make the mistakes I have made in the past. I offer my advise as a guide partnered with my opinion to give people a differently perspective on how the outcome could be. Of course I completely understand that just because things went a certain way for me doesn’t warrant the same out come for others. But it could and that what I offer. I offer the what if, I ask the why and I try and address the smallest of issues. Of course I would be a liar if I didn’t admit to trying to correct some but again we are groomed to do so at times.

This was word vomit at its best. Thanks for reading. Just remember that before you make those mountains think first. I am going to get better at keeping issues as molehills and try my best from forming mountains. At the same time remember just because somebody makes mountain doesn’t always mean they know. If you know someone like me please be link them to this blog…Just kidding allow for some patience and understand maybe its because they truly care for you.

 

Endure

Through pain we gain the knowledge to know what can make us stronger. Through pain we gain the knowledge to know what we can endure. Through pain we gain the knowledge to grow and build ourselves up…

-Christopher Zarate

To my knowledge no one can learn from always being right. It’s through our mistakes in life and our failures that give us true wisdom. We can learn so much more about ourselves then we can through others. When we wake up in the morning the first thought is always our own before we even begin the day of interaction with others. Our days start and end in our own minds. Love yourself enough to listen to yourself. Drowned out the noise of others. Tell yourself I love you today and make the day your own.

Personal Message

This is a rarity that I post anything so personal but I’d like to share my thoughts for a moment.

My dad is currently going through a separation after 38 years of marriage and knowing my mom for 45 years. It’s extremely hard on him trying to figure out finances and just figuring out where he stands in life right now. My dad and I are not the closest. He spent my childhood high on weed and cocaine. He is an alcoholic and has been sober for the better part of at least 8 years. When my mom left him I was very concerned he would revert and relapse and I am proud to say he hasn’t. The strength he is showing is amazing even st his weakest. I admire the will power he has shown. Big ups to my dad.

I had battled with alcoholism in my 20’s. If I am being honest I enjoy a good drink. I have smoked weed off and on my entire life. I know when enough is enough and I try and instill a little of my experiences with the people that come in my life even if for a moment. I have risk losing everything I have obtained in life thus far to help those I care about. I have learned a valuable lesson from my dad and through experience and that’s you can’t help anyone that doesn’t want help. You can spend time, money and offer all the support in the world but like my dad told me “if I wanted to stop I could have, I didn’t want to though I wanted what I wanted”. That couldn’t be more true. For those of you that have had friends that struggle with dependency issue just know there truly is nothing you can do. The choice will always remain that individuals. What you can do is offer your support (not financially) be there during the lows and praise the highs. But be prepared for the ups and downs. It’s a choice and the choice isn’t yours to make for the ones you love, it’s theirs.

To all my past,current and future friends just know you have the choice and it’s yours to make not mine. To all the young readers still in school or college I know it seems like it’s not a big deal and your young but the choices you make while your young impact every part of your future. Going back to the instilling part. Knowledge from other people’s perspectives can sometimes help you figure out the path maybe you should choose. Like I always say “you do you” but remember problems don’t go away they compile.

To everyone reading I may not know you personally but I love you. And for those reading that know me personally you know how I feel about you and if you don’t I love you!

Christopher Zarate

Thanks for reading!

Courtesies are what they are courtesies

When courtesies are taken advantage of and turned to be expected that becomes an issue

How quickly one can go from courteous to expected

The irony is when courtesies turn to expectations but those same expectations that were once courtesies are not reciprocated in return.

Simplistically I say don’t expect from someone something then turn around as if the expectations should be any different from yourself.

Yes to dumb it down even further follow the golden rule!

—————-

Reflections is a must sometimes and can hurt like a “B”

I encourage anyone reading to actually self reflect and attempt to be open to the perspectives of others. Play devils advocate on yourself. Of course you will fail at being unbiased toward your own opinion but if even for a moment you can catch a glimpse of a new perspective you will have succeeded. Don’t worry everyone thinks they are right at least 90% of the time but just try and shed some light on the other 10%. Don’t change who you are but evolve who you are by opening your mind. Trust me I am still a dick but I am more self aware then I ever used to be.

Death

I welcome you because I don’t yet know you

You’re a stranger in a world where I don’t believe in strangers

For so long I feared you

Why???

I have known life

The pain life can cause

The way people take for granted the air they breathe

The hatred

The lies

The betrayal

All part of life

I have known life but have not feared what I know so why should I fear what I don’t know

I welcome you

I am curious what your embrace feels like

Is it cold like many believe or is warm like new life

Are you feared purely because of the unknown

We will meet one day no longer strangers and I will welcome you as I have life

If we don’t agree can I return to the living?

We will talk

Not to soon please but soon enough

Maybe your cousin sleep will have some answers

We don’t spend much time together but maybe I should ask about you

I don’t fear you anymore even though you’re welcome anytime let’s not plan on anything concrete just yet

Thanks

Center yourself…

Allowing ourselves to conform too the people around us for the sake of happiness is not happiness. Being an individual can be very lonely sometimes. The feeling of nobody around can be overwhelming and lead us back to situations that take us back to conforming for the sake of feeling happy. False happiness. We have to first learn to be alone in order to find true happiness. To find ourselves is the most important piece of advise anyone could have ever given me. To speak personally I don’t think I ever truly found myself but I found a way to be alone through art, through reading, through writing and through choosing to not conform. Don’t judge others for the short comings they feel like that have but embrace them for the individual that they are. Let them know they are not alone. Don’t be the friend that’s just around for the party but the friend that is there when the party isn’t around. See you on the journey of life. Everyone can learn something from anyone but we can’t learn about ourselves through others. Be an individual. Find yourself in the universe and make others smile.

The day fades to night with the incandescent glow of our sun giving way to pale glow of our moon

What will have become of the day

What will come of the another cool night

Reflection

Contemplation

Reaction

The dawn breaks the silence of the cold night with the once again warming of the light

A new day

The same day

Another day

Questions

 

 

Wordz

I can accept failure but what I can not accept is the failure to try.

We all fail at something during our journey. These failures make up who we become and define how we move forward.

When we make the choice to give up trying at anything we choose not to move forward.

Sure there are circumstances that are futile. But damn it if there is anyway for success it will only come from trying.

Keep trying. Reinvent the wheel. All of man kind from the beginning was built on failure but most importantly all of man kind was built on the continuation of trying.