Dreams

I have some of the absolute weirdest dreams. I dream of people in my past merging into my present day. It’s always comforting to see the familiar faces of those that were at one point so close to my heart. Every time I have one of these dreams I am jolted awake my by brain flooding itself of the memories of the past. It often leave me awake for hours in the middle of the night wondering about those people and how they are doing. I miss them.

It’s odd though as most people through the years tend to change. They grow to be different versions of the people they once were but someone inside is always that person who you once were. I reflect a lot more then most of who I was versus who I am now. I would like to think that a lot of who I was is still there and would be recognizable to those from my past. I would like to also think I have matured and grown as a person to become more understanding and a person of more patience. I am proud of the person I am and the life I have created for myself and am appreciative for those currently in my life. Part me yearns for those reconnecting moments with people that I held so closely to my heart during the journey to where I am now. That opportunity to have a conversation or meeting to catch up and to get a glimpse of their lives today.

We were all part of each other’s lives at some point. To be able to have those paths cross again at a different stage I think would be interesting. I would love to hear the opinions of me now versus me then. Dreams ever connect us to each other through the memories that were made. I am grateful for my dreams but at times they leave me longing for a connection that I worry I will never feel again.

Disrespect

Growing up I was instilled with a certain work ethic. Show up 10 minutes early to work because showing up early was on time and showing up on time was late. Showing up late wasn’t an option unless you had an actual emergency in which you at least called ahead. At work you listened to your boss regardless of how you felt. You may curse under your breathe or vent to family but you did what you were told out of respect and after all the liability was on the shot caller not you. Having a job was a commitment and that was just part of the commitment. Show up to work, listen and get paid.

I made a commitment to blog every Sunday. Let’s just say if this was my job I’d show up early listen to my boss and never miss a day. Like work, if I didn’t fulfill my commitments it would be considered disrespectful I wouldn’t be the stellar employee I was raised to be. All that to say I have failed to keep my commitment to blogging every Sunday and that is disrespectful to myself. I have let myself down and as the boss/leader I have let myself down.

I expect so much from those who actually do work for me. I set expectations and follow up on those expectations. I coach my team on how to be successful. I train my team to be self sufficient and encourage them to make choices. I have always looked to train my replacement just in case I move up or out.

By not blogging every Sunday I didn’t let anyone down. The world didn’t end. No money was lost. A business didn’t collapse. Family’s didn’t go hungry. But by not blogging every Sunday as I made a commitment to do I let my self down. I failed myself. I disrespected the commitment I made myself. Much like any failure I have learned from it.

The failure of keeping your commitments doesn’t always affect others but will most definitely affect you. It may seem silly but I hold myself to a better standard and as such I can’t afford to let myself down. The most important thing in any type of failure is to learn from it. So I will now recommit to my original commitment and push myself to hold myself to the expectations I hold to other.

Maybe this post resonates with others and maybe it doesn’t. Either way thanks for reading. Have blessed week.

Nerves

Having an endoscopy on Tuesday and my nerves are shot. The internet is a great resource for information both good and bad. I have read how minor and easy the procedure can be but also read the horror stories of the procedure gone wrong. I finally feel more on the normal side with minimal chest pain and heartburn. I know having the endoscopy procedure could answer the lingering question of what is causing my discomfort but I am nervous.

My stress test, echo and imaging of the heart was all normal with no concerns seen by my cardiologist. I also had CT scan for blood clots that would have shown anything in my lungs and those images came back clean. So the next thing to check is my stomach by doing an endoscopy. Wish me luck. I am grateful my bowels are regular so that I was able to skip out on the colonoscopy for another 5 years. Minor win but I’ll take it.

Stress can obviously cause body pain, muscle pain and even a change in your mental state. The thing is I don’t feel stressed. We all of course have stressors in our day to day life’s but none that I feel are causing the kind of physical pain that I feel almost daily. Like the rest of the world I just want answers and possibly a long term solution. Growing older kinda sucks. These skin suits we have are not made to last forever but when they start deteriorating even in the slightest it is an uncomfortable realization of how short our time can be here on earth. I look forever to forever. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers and of course I will do the same.

Connected

We are all connected. Somehow and someway we are all connected. Not necessarily in the physical sense of being connected but in a way beyond the physical. Maybe spiritually we have a bond of connection. Maybe we are connected through others. The most honest and primitive way we are connected is through our DNA.

I say all of that to say this. Treat each other with respect. No matter how you are being treated be the person to be positive, level headed and respectful. This is challenging to do on a daily basis. If you change your perception and treat everyone as they are connected you may grow to understand situations and people a little better. Stay true to yourself but also respectful to other. Be connected. Stay connected.

Pets

I have always owned pets. Since I was in grade school I have had a variety a different pet companions. I once had a hermit crab that I told every secret to when I was in middle school and when he died it was like loosing my best friend. I continued this relationship with almost all my pets through the years. I would always grow attached knowing that one day they would either die or I would have to make the decision to euthanize due to health concerns or quality of life. I can honestly say it has never gotten any easier over the years and I would argue it only gets worse.

Today we had to euthanize our Simba cat that we have had almost 20 years. To think this cat is older then my oldest son is crazy. He has been through almost every adult milestone in our lives. The good and bad he was part of all of it. We have always had a cat even though I am more of a dog person. It still hits hard knowing that he is no longer going to be there. He goes to the grave having listened to many humans complain to him and use him for comfort through the years. He was a furry family member and that space can’t be filled.

I truly believe pets are a blessing. They hep calm the souls of their owners. They watch over of as we sleep. They listen when nobody seems to listen. They are completely without judgement. If you take care of them they take care of you in ways you may never understand. If you have a pet let them know that you care today. Maybe give them their favorite treat. Maybe tell them a story. Even if you don’t thing they understand you believe me they do. I will miss you Simba. Thank you for being such a cool cat. I hope that spirits meet again someday.

Death

Although we are all aware of death and have the wherewithal to know we are going to die it does not make the realization any easier. This week has been full of tragedy for so many of those I know.

It started with a woman that works for the same company as I do. She was found unresponsive at home and they were unable to revive her. She was 40 years old and that happens to be my age. Makes you take the time and think about life and how precious it is and also how much we sometimes take everyday for granted.

Yesterday I received word that my first cousin once removed and her 6 year old son where involved in a car accident that ended both of their lives. She was only 23 years old. I was brought up believing that God has a plan for each of us and when tragedies like these occur it’s hard to believe that such a loss could be part of any plan. I do believe though that everything happens for a reason even if we don’t always understand that reason. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers and also say a prayer for the other individual invoked in the tragic accident.

Today I got word that a friend of my parents mother passed away after being diagnosed with Covid pneumonia. She lived a full life into her 80’s but still seemingly taken to soon by a contributing virus that 2 yrs ago didn’t exist. My thoughts and prayers go out to their families as well during their time of mourning.

To continue the bad news for the day I was informed that another co worker lost her father. I don’t have any details regarding his passing but I can only begin to imagine the pain she is feeling with the loss of her father. We have had conversations about family and always her father was a huge influence in her life and was her rock. I pray for her and her family during this time.

Death is all around us. There is no cure for death and there is no way of knowing when your last year, month, day or even hour might be. I struggle with anxiety and more so lately with the stress of a new baby, demanding job and new health issues with being a type 2 diabetic. Like many of you I do not care to die anytime soon. I am doing my best to take care of myself so that I can be around as long as possible. I am not scared of dying so mush as I am more scared of not living to see my boys get older.

I’ll say a prayer this evening for all the families that I mentioned that have experienced loss this week. I ask that you all say a prayer for my family as well as me personally. Send out positive thoughts always. Take the time this week to reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in awhile and just say hi. Call your mom or dad and tell them you love them. Call a grandparent, sibling or a extended family member. Don’t miss the opportunity to tell those around you that your care. Lastly understand that life is to short and that we only have a little time on earth to show caring and kindness. Spend time being more compassionate and less time being indifferent towards others. Have a blessed week.

Welcome Home

After 18 days in NICU our new addition Tandan Levi has made it home. It has been an emotionally draining month. The oldest boy caught Covid causing a quarantine in the middle of the newest kiddo’s NICU stent. Having the ability of FaceTime was a blessing during it all for the family but of course it’s never the same as in person contact. Luckily he was in good hands at the hospital as the oldest was in good hands at home. Blessed are we with so many gifts and well wishes. Thank you all for the prayers and support.

This next week will be challenging with work and getting in the groove of a new baby at home. Keep us in prayers. I also have a Cardiologist appointment later in the week so cross my finger and toes my ticker is healthy. I will continue to sent out positive energy and prayers to all those that have been affected during this pandemic to find peace and healing. Thanks for the read.