“In Between”

We were born not by our own choice. The only guarantee we have is that of death. The only complaint about life that we can make is not that of life and death but the choices that we make in between. No matter of the circumstances we are born in to we are all faced with choices that can better our lives or make our circumstances in life worse. Just remember that your life is yours and you alone make the choices for your own “in between”. Live your best life in your own “in between” don’t let others dictate your choices. Regret nothing and learn from everything.

TODAY

This day will suck…

This day will suck because…

There are really no words to describe why this day will suck…

This day will suck for me…

This day will only suck for me…

To think…

To think I had a chance…

To THINK that is the truth…

It’s so much easier to tell the truth

Mountain From a MoleHill

Hey everyone reading and thank you for taking the time out of your life to read some words from this Human.

The title should be familiar to many and if not I will explain. My grandmother always told me growing up to stop making a mountain from a molehill. It basically means making too much of minor issues. So in my life its turning all the little things into a bigger issue causing a mountain and driving people away at times or at least making it hard to deal with me. To give you insight I am going to talk about a flaw of mine and try explain my thought process and more then likely get lost in the middle of hundreds of words.  Get ready for a ride on the Chris Brain Train.

So I make mountains out of the little things. I always have. I look at life as a puzzle and I feel like all things are connected. I overthink. Raise your hand if you do the same. It builds and builds driving those close to me crazy. The thing is in my mind all issues no matter how small are connected. I can turn a simple comment made into a debate on judgment. It’s really ridiculous. So for all those ready that know me I sincerely apologize for how I may react to little issues and turn them to something they should have never turned into. But…….

Even the smallest issues matter. Take a second and ponder that. Think of it like this, your mother or father had a issue with something you did as a child and their reaction was to address the issue and correct the behaviour. Was this right or wrong? Depends on the issue and how you were raised but either way we have been groomed from a young age to address even the smallest of issues whether others agree or not on our view point. Let me guess you think at this point I am trying to get out of behaviour that I have…you’re wrong. See I believe the best way to explain things is through my thought process. Flawed maybe but you can begin to understand my point from my perspective. In a friendship there are many quirks that drive you crazy about your friends. So small issues you may have are excess talking, opinions, nervous ticks and maybe failed fashion. As friends we see fit to address those issue in an attempt to help our friends. But are we helping? In a relationship you address small issues that make you insecure instead of trusting you build a complex overthought out puzzle. You create a mountain that really just builds a wall. But none the less I still feel that even the smallest issues no matter the type of relationship should be addressed. ADDRESSED no corrected. See correction is a word that places a fault or wrong. We are all different and my issues are not the same issues you may have. Address don not attempt to correct.

I have been told that my opinions (advise) that I have given in the past was too strong. I made the other person feel like no matter what they said I was pushing my opinions as if they were the gold standard. I am sorry. See I have been through a great deal in life. I was molested when I was young. I experimented with sex very early on. I had a drug problem. I had a gambling problem. I have truly seen more then most people would realize and experienced things no one should have too. So when I give advise or my opinion I promise it comes from a good place. It really comes from the heart. I apologize to all that I have offended or who have felt I was pushing my ideals. If you are readying this and know me please know that I have only ever wanted the best for each and everyone one of you. We all have to live and learn through our choices and please take my advise and opinions for what they are, my advise and opinions.

The take away..

I make mountains out of molehills and I push my opinion on others. This is a correct assumption of  who I might be seen as but let me quickly express my view.

I take small issues and try to understand the thought process to a point it pisses people off because i can make it make sense. I give my opinion out of care and concern so people do not make the mistakes I have made in the past. I offer my advise as a guide partnered with my opinion to give people a differently perspective on how the outcome could be. Of course I completely understand that just because things went a certain way for me doesn’t warrant the same out come for others. But it could and that what I offer. I offer the what if, I ask the why and I try and address the smallest of issues. Of course I would be a liar if I didn’t admit to trying to correct some but again we are groomed to do so at times.

This was word vomit at its best. Thanks for reading. Just remember that before you make those mountains think first. I am going to get better at keeping issues as molehills and try my best from forming mountains. At the same time remember just because somebody makes mountain doesn’t always mean they know. If you know someone like me please be link them to this blog…Just kidding allow for some patience and understand maybe its because they truly care for you.

 

Endure

Through pain we gain the knowledge to know what can make us stronger. Through pain we gain the knowledge to know what we can endure. Through pain we gain the knowledge to grow and build ourselves up…

-Christopher Zarate

To my knowledge no one can learn from always being right. It’s through our mistakes in life and our failures that give us true wisdom. We can learn so much more about ourselves then we can through others. When we wake up in the morning the first thought is always our own before we even begin the day of interaction with others. Our days start and end in our own minds. Love yourself enough to listen to yourself. Drowned out the noise of others. Tell yourself I love you today and make the day your own.

Personal Message

This is a rarity that I post anything so personal but I’d like to share my thoughts for a moment.

My dad is currently going through a separation after 38 years of marriage and knowing my mom for 45 years. It’s extremely hard on him trying to figure out finances and just figuring out where he stands in life right now. My dad and I are not the closest. He spent my childhood high on weed and cocaine. He is an alcoholic and has been sober for the better part of at least 8 years. When my mom left him I was very concerned he would revert and relapse and I am proud to say he hasn’t. The strength he is showing is amazing even st his weakest. I admire the will power he has shown. Big ups to my dad.

I had battled with alcoholism in my 20’s. If I am being honest I enjoy a good drink. I have smoked weed off and on my entire life. I know when enough is enough and I try and instill a little of my experiences with the people that come in my life even if for a moment. I have risk losing everything I have obtained in life thus far to help those I care about. I have learned a valuable lesson from my dad and through experience and that’s you can’t help anyone that doesn’t want help. You can spend time, money and offer all the support in the world but like my dad told me “if I wanted to stop I could have, I didn’t want to though I wanted what I wanted”. That couldn’t be more true. For those of you that have had friends that struggle with dependency issue just know there truly is nothing you can do. The choice will always remain that individuals. What you can do is offer your support (not financially) be there during the lows and praise the highs. But be prepared for the ups and downs. It’s a choice and the choice isn’t yours to make for the ones you love, it’s theirs.

To all my past,current and future friends just know you have the choice and it’s yours to make not mine. To all the young readers still in school or college I know it seems like it’s not a big deal and your young but the choices you make while your young impact every part of your future. Going back to the instilling part. Knowledge from other people’s perspectives can sometimes help you figure out the path maybe you should choose. Like I always say “you do you” but remember problems don’t go away they compile.

To everyone reading I may not know you personally but I love you. And for those reading that know me personally you know how I feel about you and if you don’t I love you!

Christopher Zarate

Thanks for reading!

Death

I welcome you because I don’t yet know you

You’re a stranger in a world where I don’t believe in strangers

For so long I feared you

Why???

I have known life

The pain life can cause

The way people take for granted the air they breathe

The hatred

The lies

The betrayal

All part of life

I have known life but have not feared what I know so why should I fear what I don’t know

I welcome you

I am curious what your embrace feels like

Is it cold like many believe or is warm like new life

Are you feared purely because of the unknown

We will meet one day no longer strangers and I will welcome you as I have life

If we don’t agree can I return to the living?

We will talk

Not to soon please but soon enough

Maybe your cousin sleep will have some answers

We don’t spend much time together but maybe I should ask about you

I don’t fear you anymore even though you’re welcome anytime let’s not plan on anything concrete just yet

Thanks

Raw

You were able to take the money when it benefitted you most

The time was easy to pass cause one day I’d be a ghost

You took the years that could have meant more to someone who really cared

All the while your excuse was you were scared

You broke me down in ways unknown to most

Placing blame on me to help justify your lack of remorse

Pulling strings like a puppet master knowing I’ll always be close

Reaching out like a convenience when it suits you the most

Well wishes at best but nothing from the heart

Who is the real monster when you knew everything from the start

The price we pay for loving is always a broken heart

 

 

 

 

Untitled

Thank you for the lessons in 2017. I’ve learned a great deal about people and what we are capable of as individuals. I’ve learned a great deal about myself. I am ready to experience whatever may come in 2018. My goal, not resolution, is to encourage others as well as encourage myself to grow, to learn and to love. More post to come in 2018.

Thoughts

While driving through the semiarid plains in Texas for work my mind drifted to an early time. Now it could have been because I was thinking of my young son and the challenges he faces going to a new school and being the “new kid” or as often as not it could have just been some unknown trigger that had me thinking about being a kid again. Either way I began drifting in and out of random memories.

My biggest challenge as a father is finding a way to teach my son from the many lessons that I have learned in life. I look at how I was brought up and the different things both my parents taught me. I am humbled when I think of how they at times struggled to provide for our family and somehow we as children never really saw this struggle. I also look back at growing up and realize the huge differences between how I was raised verses by brother and even verses my sister. I was the oldest sibling in the household so I experienced the struggle of having nothing all the way through to the struggle of having something. Either way it could be written it was a struggle. My mother taught me to love and be caring toward others. My dad taught me to stand up for myself cause nobody else would. They both taught me that if I wanted something I would have to work for it because things would not be handed to me. It was tough love from both sides and as sensitive as I was on the inside I learned quickly to internalize.

What could I teach my son from what I have learned over the years…

I will teach my son goals over expectations

I will teach my son love instead of hate

I will teach my  son that each decision we make has different challenges and consequences and to think it through before making choices

I will teach my son not to regret but to embrace the decisions that he makes and take responsibility for his actions

In the end I will teach my son as much as I can based on the knowledge that I have acquired over my years of living but what I can not teach is how to live life. We are given two things when we are born into this world the first is life and other is the certainty of death. We spend several years under our parent watch being molded to view life a certain way, to live a certain way and then we reach an age where we have to make a decision on what we want to do with our life. At a certain point it becomes our life, full of uncertainty with so many blank pages to to written on. I can not teach my son what to write for his story. I can only support him when he needs a friend and be there when he needs a father. I am excited to watch as he journeys through life.