Triggers

Have you ever just been taken back to another time by a trigger. The trigger of a familiar scent, sound, voice or surrounding? Have you had that moment when everything around your physical body seems to disappear and you appear to be staring blankly in space but the reality is you’re staring at a memory? You’re reliving a previous moment. That blank stare may only last a second in real time but it feels like forever. For everyone these triggers are different and as much as we wish they all bring back good memories they do not. Triggers take us back to dark moments in life just as much as they do precious moments. The one thing we can not escape is our own minds.

Who you were, who you are and who you will be are all different people. Who you were does not define who you are or who you will become. Who you are now will change and influence who you will become but remember who you were. You learn the most when you are honest with yourself and the hardest person to be honest with is yourself. Use the triggers for self-awareness and to learn. Re-live the moments good or bad and come out with some sort of understanding on how you can use these memories to better tomorrow. We may never know why we remember certain things versus other but I choice to believe are memories are like everything else in life they are teachable moments. They can teach us things about ourselves if we listen and are honest with ourselves.

Maybe this post made sense to you and maybe it did nothing for you. Either way thank you for reading. We can not run from ourselves but we can learn from ourselves. Live your life to inspire others and take the time to say thank you. Today I challenge you to say those to words to someone. Thank you.

The Thing About Writing

The thing about writing is that it is hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I never expected it to be this difficult. I have read so many books and short stories both fiction and non-fiction trying to grasp for inspiration on a particular writing style. I have concluded that this maybe my biggest problem. I want to create a story but the truth is the story has already been created. What I want to write is right in front of me when I look in the mirror. What is preventing me from writing my story is not the lack of experience or lack of style. What is preventing me from writing my story is not the lack of knowledge or the lack of education. What is preventing me from writing my story is not the emotions other may feel. What is preventing me from writing my story is ME.

I am standing still looking at myself in the mirror. Looking into my brown eyes frozen as if I am expecting my reflection to tell me what to do. A tear runs down my cheek followed by another tear. Then the watering of my nose and the flush feeling in my ears as the blood rushes. I hear my heartbeat as I remain frozen crying to myself waiting for an answer. Then and only then do I realize that I am waiting for myself.

I am I ready to open up a lifetime of emotional scars? Am I ready to be honest not only with every reader but with myself? Do I want to experience the consequences? Would there be any consequences? Would it even matter to anyone what I wrote? All questions and a lot of self doubt. The thing about writing is…

 

What Can Be Said

I drive a lot. I can’t really say I go many places but I drive a lot. Destinations sometimes aren’t even set. I drive a lot. It’s my way to escape and always has been since I was able to drive. I have always found a connection to the road whether it be local streets or the open and almost seemingly limitless highways of Texas.  I turn the music on to get lost in my own head, each song taking me to a place I have been before. Most of the time the nostalgia will bring a tear to my eye as I relive a period my life through a 4 minute music worm hole. Then the next song plays transporting me to another period in my life and then repeat time and time again with each song that plays. I get lost in the memories and sometimes the memories are so raw I can feel the exact emotion I once felt.

On a recent work road trip I was driving 120 miles of what I like to consider the empty highway. I have driven  this particular stretch of highway many times in the period of 8 years. It was during this trip I relized how much is different the road was from the first time I had driven the road. The road has become wider to accomodate the amount of traffic the highways sees. What was once a gravel road is now asphalt road. What was once a two lane highway is now a four lane highway and at times there is even a middle lane. At a point in time the field on either side was either a field of cotton or that of farmland rich with mesquite trees and cows. Now on either side you’ll see oil derects, cotton fields, new homes, and of course farmland. Looking just right in the horizon though you will always see open sky and what appears to be an endless road. So much has happened over this 8 year period of time for this particular road. So much has happened over this 8 year period of time in my life.

As I drive I sometimes imagine where some of the side roads would lead. If I turned off to see would I have to turn around or would this connect me somehow back in line to my orignal destination? It is true that every road leads somewhere. If my life where a story to tell it would be that of a boy, a young man and a man that travels down roads while on a highway of life.

Everybody has a highway and some elect to stay on theirs for safety. My highway is full of turnoffs but those turnoffs will eventually make one hell of a story. I like to look at my life through analogies sometimes. While I drive literally down memory lane I realize how much I have traveled. The driver has always been the same but much like the highway I was recently on many things change over time. Now of course the driver grows and changes as well but still inside that driver are all the memories unlocked while he travels.

There is an expression that I have heard people say “sometimes I drive to clear my head”. I have always laughed on the inside because I know you drive to fill your head.

I would never change a road I traveled. Each road has given me the opportunity and time to learn more about myself. I have many more roads to travel while driving down my highway. I hope to meet some incrediable people. I hope to share many moments that will last with me till the end. I hope some are as unforgeable as ones before. Hopefully some of the roads I travel will lead me to familar places. I drive a alot. I can’t really say I go a lot of places but I drive a lot.

Somebody

As I was scrolling through Instagram today someone very close to me posted something that really made me reflect who I am. They wrote the following

“PSA: Working out suppresses the person I used to be… when at times I didn’t give a shit about consequences only the pain and suffering I could cause. To know and show what I could do to someone who crossed me with no regrets or sympathy only anger. As I get older I realize decisions I’ve made in the past weren’t right or justified but I’ve also realized that people make choices for themselves on a daily basis. I will always have that person from the past inside me and it’s other people’s choice if they choose to meet that person or not…”

I have known this person all my life even before we could walk and it pains me to think what they must be going through to make this statement public. However, I applaud the ability to speak their truth and share this thought with so many. The statement inspired me to think about myself and not only my internal perception but the different perceptions of people who I have crossed path with thus far on my life journey.

I would like to take the time to say thank you for those who have always been kind enough to stick with me through the years and call me your friend. I would like to say thank you to those who have spent but a moment in time with me and for that time called me your friend. I would like to thank the people who would call me a friend even if we never really spent anytime together on a personal level but somehow share a story.

As I reflect I realize how much I have grown as a person but also realize how much growing I have left to do. See life is a journey of lessons that in the end make up a persons story. Everybody tells a different version of that persons story based on the time spent with or around that person. So many times we are unaware of the influence we may have on other peoples lives. Honestly so many time we don’t care. It’s in those moments of not caring can we truly find who we really are as a person.

I think the old saying ” Do what I say not as I do” would be fitting for how I have approached life in the sense that you should probably do what I say instead of what I do.  So with all the thank you’s I handed out earlier comes with a huge apology if for any reason you ever felt as if I wronged you in some way. I stick with what I have said for many years in that I don’t regret anything I have done in life. I will say however that mistakes are made and that is the only way we learn. I have learned a lot. So no matter what SOMEBODY I am to you thank your for sharing whatever moment we may have shared. Who I am today is the sum of all my somebodies and although there are differences I will always be who I am. Thanks for reading and have a great week. Please give a hug to the next friend that you see. I also challenge you to be a better somebody whatever that may mean to you.

 

Just a Rant

“Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea – freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.”

-Robin Williams, Bicentennial Man

This movie came out in December of 1999 and was not a big hit but the tone of the movie still speaks volumes even today. I encourage you to watch it and see it Robin Williams character Andrew is able to move you. Some of the lessons in the movie and some of the quotes/speeches could apply today.

So many times we are divided as a people in this world. One simple truth is that we are all the same species. You can argue race, religion, origin or creed but you can not argue the simplicity that is what we all are. One species divided among each other over the differences. The answer is simple for peace and true freedom it is called respect. I don’t necessarily just mean respect toward one another but self respect as well. We as a people can never fix any of our problems with out fixing ourselves first. I was talking to a friend today and he is a conspiracy theorist and sometimes can fall deep in the rabbit hole but something struck me today that made sense. We for the longest time as the free world have placed ourselves in the center of so many world conflicts that it should be no surprise that we have made enemies. While we sit at home and watch our sports, our real house wives, our Kardashians and try and keep up with what dumb shit our president is twitting about while over half of our nation is effected by natural disasters we fail pay attention to what is happening in the rest of the world. Sure we here between programming or see things pop on our Facebook news feed about North Korea, Japan, Iran and Russia. We faintly hear about the bombings in Europe and the mass destruction caused by natural disasters in Mexico but we still are focused on our America. Each of us live a different America but feel protected and sheltered from the outside noise. Do we ever stop and think maybe those countries are fighting for their freedom from us. No we may not occupy their lands but it’s hard pressed to say our influence has not changed so many countries world wide. Maybe its time to leave well enough alone and just close up shop and be self sustainable for awhile. Maybe we do not realize how much we rely on the other countries. Maybe we do no respect ourselves enough to respect others. I am not into politics and my opinion is just my own. I am not looking to cause an uproar or begin a movement. I am just concerned that we as a Human Species are just fighting a battle to see who survives at the end when in all reality if we had any respect for ourselves and each other we could probably all survive together for many more years to come. There is an end to this world as we know it and we have allowed too many personalities to be in charge of the potential end and how close it can come. Life is precious and we should all want to hold on to life as long as possible. Put aside the differences and respect other Human Beings. We are all the same species whether we like it or not…….

 

Goal over Expectations

In my previous post I wrote about teaching goals over expectations to my son and I would like to elaborate….

A goal is a desired result or outcome that a person envisions, plans and commits to achieve.

An expectation, which is a belief that centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected, it is a surprise.

I have set many goals in life and when I have applied myself through a plan and really committed I have accomplished my said goals. I have also set many goals in which I have not accomplished due to lack of commitment and resolve.

I have lived part of my life with expectations for myself and expectations I have had for others. Many times letting myself down as well as being felt as if others were letting me down.

I have also experienced the euphoria of having something unexpected happen.

So why goals over expectations? A goal can be changed and altered. A goal requires a thought  processes in which we plan out, commit too and work towards accomplishing. We are able to control our goals because they are ours to plan and alter as we see fit.

Expectations on the other  hand have too many variables. To expect anything is in itself a ridiculous thought of entitlement.  If all through life you expect that this, that and the other is done for you and that fails to happen the disappointment is sure to make even the sweetest person sour. Why live life through expectation just to be let down. However, when working to achieve something through setting goals and having something unexpected happen in your favor is an amazing feeling but I caution you to appreciate the moment a continue on trying to accomplish the goal you have set.

Do not go through life with expectations of yourself or others and you will not be disappointed. Set goals for yourself to accomplish and be happy when unexpected things happen. Take advantage of any opportunities that may come your way and seize them as you see fit but remember the goals you set. Think things through but never expect.

Thoughts

While driving through the semiarid plains in Texas for work my mind drifted to an early time. Now it could have been because I was thinking of my young son and the challenges he faces going to a new school and being the “new kid” or as often as not it could have just been some unknown trigger that had me thinking about being a kid again. Either way I began drifting in and out of random memories.

My biggest challenge as a father is finding a way to teach my son from the many lessons that I have learned in life. I look at how I was brought up and the different things both my parents taught me. I am humbled when I think of how they at times struggled to provide for our family and somehow we as children never really saw this struggle. I also look back at growing up and realize the huge differences between how I was raised verses by brother and even verses my sister. I was the oldest sibling in the household so I experienced the struggle of having nothing all the way through to the struggle of having something. Either way it could be written it was a struggle. My mother taught me to love and be caring toward others. My dad taught me to stand up for myself cause nobody else would. They both taught me that if I wanted something I would have to work for it because things would not be handed to me. It was tough love from both sides and as sensitive as I was on the inside I learned quickly to internalize.

What could I teach my son from what I have learned over the years…

I will teach my son goals over expectations

I will teach my son love instead of hate

I will teach my  son that each decision we make has different challenges and consequences and to think it through before making choices

I will teach my son not to regret but to embrace the decisions that he makes and take responsibility for his actions

In the end I will teach my son as much as I can based on the knowledge that I have acquired over my years of living but what I can not teach is how to live life. We are given two things when we are born into this world the first is life and other is the certainty of death. We spend several years under our parent watch being molded to view life a certain way, to live a certain way and then we reach an age where we have to make a decision on what we want to do with our life. At a certain point it becomes our life, full of uncertainty with so many blank pages to to written on. I can not teach my son what to write for his story. I can only support him when he needs a friend and be there when he needs a father. I am excited to watch as he journeys through life.

 

 

Why a Blog

Why a blog indeed…

A few months ago I was inspired to write a book. The book in all honestly was going to be about all my experiences in life with the opposite sex. The book would include my first crushes as a young male, my first experience of love, my first experience of lust and my experiences in relationships of all sorts. I began to write down an outline to have a kinda guide while writing. I spent a little bit mulling over if I wanted to start with current experiences in life to where it all began or just start at the beginning. I could not decide where to begin so instead just made the choice to start free writing in regards to people and how their relationships came to be and the outcome and lessons learned. Now here is the honest truth, I made it through one actual relationship and after rereading the 20 pages I wrote realized it did not really say a damn thing. (dramatic pause)

Writing is fucking hard. Now in no way at all did I think writing a book was going to be easy. In no way did I also think writing a book with the desired content was going to be any easier. BUT DAMN. I am not going to say that I am giving up on my goal of writing a book but I will say that  it is in my best interest for success to practice writing.

My content in this blog will be honest. Honestly in a sense can sometimes be raw and come across in many ways. Honesty can be hurtful. Honestly can be depressing. Honesty can be saddening. When it comes to the way I write I just want to be honest. So if I offend you as a reader, if I hurt your feelings or make you have sadden feelings I am not sorry I am just being honest.

I can say that I will cover a wide range of random topics and some may pertain to some of you reading or maybe it will feel like it pertains to some of you that are reading. I just want to practice on an active audience so please I encourage the feed back even it it hurts. I can tell you grammatically it’s going to be a mess. English was my worst subject at any level in school. I hope that the blog I have begun and this journey are something that you as a reader finds fun, entertaining and worth while. So thank you for reading and enjoy future post. I hope I answered the question of why a blog.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I Okay

I feel that it if fitting to start my first blog post with the title “Am I Okay”. In the past week alone at least a dozen people have asked me that question. I have had acquaintances, friends, family and some persons that I thought had forgotten I even existed contact me in regards to me being okay. I began to wonder what exactly have I done for so many people to be asking that question? Have I changed my appearance, my attitude or anything to attribute to my presence as a person? Have I changed anything in my social media platform in regards to the content that I post or my consistency? What is everyone seeing that I am not seeing in myself?

To shed some light on me as a person I would describe myself as informed. People gravitate towards me in a way that makes them comfortable to carry on a personable conversation with usually very little limitations. I am very much a people person and love conversation. I would say I am an easily likable person. Of course that is what I would say…. Others have described me as initially intimidating and tough to speak with until the effort is made to actually have a conversation.  Once I get to know you I tend to initiate conversation very regularly and always seem to ask the question “How are you today?” or “How’s it going?”. If you are a closer friend and I know you more intimately I may ask about a certain circumstance going on in your life but all the same the question I always tend to ask is How’s it going? So that’s kinda me, the person that is always wondering about other people and always free to share my opinion or my experience in relation to something that you may be going through. So why is it all of a sudden I am being asked that question of “Am I Okay”?

I’ll be honest I didn’t put much thought into everyone asking that question until a distant friend I haven’t spoken with or seen in months text me that very question. Kinda strange how the universe works sometimes. Now please understand that her text wasn’t anything alarming or different from anyone else asking the same question but the irony involved made me question myself and the thought of being okay. Again I ask all the questions to myself as I stated in the first paragraph only to conclude the following…. I stopped asking.

I didn’t stop asking because I stopped caring. I didn’t stop asking because I was getting no response. I didn’t stop asking because people never asked back. I just simply stopped asking. Basically I didn’t stop asking for any particular reason. To everyone reading this that is an acquaintance of mine, a friend or even a family member I would like to ask are you okay? I think you’ll find that a very difficult question to answer. It’s not difficult in terms of simplicity but seriously think about that question. Are you okay? I will be the first to speak in generalities and tell you that yes I am okay but I will also tell you there are a lot of things in my life I am not okay with. I think you will find the same holds true to you. Overall the general feeling is that we are all okay but that doesn’t really mean a whole lot when you dig deeper now does it. Next time you’re ask that question I employ you to answer with “Yes I am okay but ________”  and see where the conversation leads. Or if you are the person asking the question and the vague response is “yeah I am okay” follow up with something to dig deeper and show that you truly care. I mean after all if we are going to ask that question shouldn’t we want to know more then if the person we are speaking to is okay or not? If  we are going to answer that question don’t we really want to say more then yes I am okay? I challenge you to start today and ask that follow up question or answer that question with just a little more detail.

Let me start by saying I am not okay. In general I am okay but lots of things in life are screwed up and how we as a human race treat one another is disheartening. Be kind and show love. Keep your mind open to other peoples perspectives and treat others the way you would like to be treated. I am in no way saying change who you are to conform to others but be respectful to get respected. To all those who know me personally I would like to say thank you for sharing  your lives with me and as you know I am always here when you need a friend.